2011

I will never forget you 2011
From the start you were unique and wonderful
In you, I went through a roller coaster of events that I will never forget
In you, even though I let my self fall you still protected me from any pain.

The first week of January, you gave me bliss and peace with my family.
During your 3rd month, you let me finally finish my book in false sense of love.
During your 4th month, I reached that educational goal that everybody prepares for.
During your 6th month, I did my own little independent trip soul-alone.
During the start of your 7th month, I won the meet and great and got to go to New York.
During your 10th month, you started getting ugly, but you still managed to make it up...
With your last two months, where you showed that you were meant to give me so much more.

I simply love our 'get togethers' every once in a long while...

You’ll have your kids, and I won’t probably be there…

I’ll get incredibly wasted and get married in vegas to a dog, and you won’t probably be there….

You’ll turn 30 and have a happy family and friends picture, and I won’t probably be there…

I’ll turn 30 and have cozy, sad dinner with my parents, and you won’t probably be there…

You’ll get divorced and go through a mid-life crises, and I won’t probably be there…

I’ll find a partner and then catch them cheating, and you won’t probably be there…

You’ll re-marry and have more kids and more happy pictures, and I won’t probably be there…

I’ll be alone when my retirement program kicks in, and you won’t probably be there…

But when we both turn that corner of the street and bump into each other, we will always fall back into our own routing of best friends. Because our friendship goes beyond the human necessity of reassurance. Our friendship is based on an unbreakable natural connection. Whether we like it or not.

Me pregunto (Spanish)

Aveces me pregunto si yo viviria igual sin ti... Opps no. Eso es una cancion. De nuevo:

Aveces me pregunto si tu alguna vez volveras a llamar.
Si alguna vez volveras a existir en mi vida como lo llegastes hacer.
Llegastes a lo mas alto en mi y nunca tocastes lo mas bajo de mi vivir.
De subes y bajas se baso nuestra relacion, pero nunca nadie entendio nuestra conneccion.

Tu en medio de la sociedad eres comun y corriente. Nada especial.
Yo en medio de la soledad soy comun y corriente. Nada especial.
Pero yo se, y tu siempre lo sabras
que tu y yo en union nos tienen envidia por nuestra perfeccion.

Jamas te olvidare y mucho menos te guardare rencor.
Solo espero que algun dia las fuerzas del destino nos una de nuevo.
Y asi poderte decir todo lo viejo.
Lo viejo que nunca escuchastes por miedo de mis complejos
Pero que ya estan siendo olvidados. Y ahora solo espero.

**Autho's note: This is something that's been on my mind for quite sometime now. I had it on my mind in spanish and I tried my best to translate it to english, but all these feeling are untranslatable. Sorry english speakers**

So you know...

So you know how sometimes we ask ourselves a question?

So you know how sometimes that same question might come back to us years later?

So you know how sometimes those years later we might still don't have an answer?

So you know how sometimes that uncertainty is because we need the answer to live?

So you know how sometimes in order for you to live is to be comfortable with yourself?

So you know how sometimes the only way to be comfortable with yourself is to find an answer?

So you know how sometimes you start writing to try to find an answer and you just end up with more questions?

Welcome to my life.

Leaving Your House

The last time I left your house, I was nervous and scared.

Scared because I knew the end was just around the corner

and nervous because I did not know what to expect next.

That night just a few minutes after leaving your house

I started having fun.

I started enjoying myself.

I started feeling comfortable again.

The weekend after leaving your house

I packed a few things and drove for hours

I met myself on the road

I liked myself that weekend so much.

Weeks after leaving your house

Everything got clearer and brighter

My friends were suddenly the best friends

My family grew closer and tighter.

Now months after leaving your house

I am happier than ever

I have found my self in every way

I can now understand my ways

I love me more than I ever had before.

The only thing I regret today

Is not leaving your house sooner

I guess I should thank your friend.

And yes, that was the best move I ever made.

fuck you

Today everyone moves on. TODAY.

Is Saturday at 5pm I just woke up about 15 min ago. I'm serious.

My dog is looking at me like 'are u going to take me out?'

All I did was open the back door for her.

All I did was give her everything.

I'm sitting in the kitchen. Unusual.

I went online and my curiosity kicked in

Is hard when everyone moves on and you're stuck

Is hard when you are the only kid left in a evacuated town

I have all this feeling for you that will never go away.

I have practiced all this feeling on you, love, hate even indifference.

None of them ever worked. No good. Not ever.

None of them were good enough. I wasn't it. I will never be.

I don't regret leaving this far away on the road.

I don't regret not leaving when you started treated me like shit

I don't regret forgetting all your flaws so that you would keep being perfect to me.

I don't regret wanting to give you everything.

Maybe I should regret it. Maybe I should forget it.

But TODAY I don't.

Today, there is happiness and celebration all around. Just not in this house.

Today, you are sealing the contract, while I'm here still trying to find mine in the wrong portrait.

I don't like today. I dislike today. I disapprove of today. I'm stuck today.

I'm stuck in my mind with these feelings that are no good for me.

FUCK YOU.

My Ode to Being a Woman

~...Today I realized how beautiful it is to be a woman.

I understood that there is nothing better than to be a woman.

I reaffirmed my love for being a woman... ~

As women, we may complain about our bodies, our hair, our moods, and our period, of course. Nonetheless, a man will never come close to understand what it really means to be a woman. Being a woman is being someone that is able to do anything they can, in any way they want, whenever they want it. Women are powerful and beautiful at the same time. We can make the dirtiest job look sexy. We can be sexy and dorky at the same time. Being a woman means you possess two of the greatest tools ever invented: Boobs.

Women come in all sizes, colors, and attitudes, but in the end, we all align together as women. Some women may be envious, bitter, and hostile towards other women, but this is only because we are very well aware of the capacity women have to be so perfect. Greediness is worthless while being part of something perfect.

Although, women are often emotionally unstable and hard to understand; Ultimately, this is what makes us so unique. Being a woman is understanding that we will never be understood. There will be songs, poems, and books that will attempt to decipher us, and they will all fail. It is more powerful to embrace the unknown than to live with the common.

Being a woman is a unique.

Being a woman is a gift.

Being a woman is MY gift.

My ode to being a woman.

Person

I've met this person

This amazing person

This person is nothing like any other person I've met

But this person is everything I've ever wanted to meet in another person

I wish this person and I were closer

I wish this person and I were something

How can I not like this person?

When this person is YOU.

The End of Washington D.C. Trip

I know I promised to write at least once a day about my trip, but as always I can't keep any of my promises.

I have now reached the end of my trip at Washington D.C. and let me tell you, I had a BLAST! I am completely exhausted and my feet hurt like crazy, but it was awesome! I freaking love D.C. The entire city or mall is beautiful to say the least. I would definitely encourage anyone to visit D.C. at least once in their life time. Even if you don't like museums or history, you still have Chinatown to see and plenty of events to go, and hey, even the subway ride is an attraction itself lol.

Here is my little list:

Places I went to:

- Chinatown

- Arlington Cemetery

- Arlington House

- Tomb of the Unknown soldier

- Changing of the Guard

- Kennedy's tomb

- FedEx Field (Watched Barcelona v. Manchester U. play)

- Lincoln Memorial

- Washington D.C. Obelisk

- WWII Memorial

- National Museum of American History

- National Museum of Natural Science

- U.S. Capitol (Inside Tour also)

- White House

Thing I like the most about Washington:

- Subway train system

- The city has hills, Therefore its structure is not plain, like the one from Jacksonville.

- Seems very pleasant city to live in, even though is full of tourist

- The model of its houses, which are Similar to old style barbie houses

Places I enjoyed the most in Washington:

- The subway (Yes I'm in love with subways)

- The WWII Memorial Plaza

- The Fedex Field in Maryland

Thing I liked the least:

- The city is not that clean

- The bus system indications are not as good as the subway system

Places I enjoyed the least:

- Arlington Cementery ( I just don't see the big deal on watching tombs everywhere... they're all dead)

- The entrance to the U.S. Capitol (Police guard made me throw away my two $3 water containers in order to be allow to enter the Capitol. Bastards)

- Our Hotel ( I know is irrelevant to the city lol)

The number one thing I like the most about Washington D.C.:

- All places are FREE to enter (Except the subway... but you know I still love it)

Just a few final thoughts, if I ever had the opportunity to live in Washington D.C. I would do so in a heartbeat. It is a very pretty city with incredible places to visit to and they're all free! I mean, you have you're set of cool, tall buildings; you have a very well established transportation system; and you have you're museums and historic places to visit. What more can you ask for in a city?

My ratings for Washington D.C.: 8.9

NEXT PICTURES!

Chinese Dinner

Chinese Dinner, a photo by nacasoca on Flickr.

Suffering Bastard - The Alcoholic Drink I ordered

Suffering Bastard - Alcoholic Drink, a photo by nacasoca on Flickr.

My Very Patriotic Hotel View

Hotel View, a photo by nacasoca on Flickr.

My Lonely Baggage

Lonely Baggage, a photo by nacasoca on Flickr.

Washington D.C.

Washington D.C., a photo by nacasoca on Flickr.

Arriving Washington.

Washington D.C.

Day One:

What a day! First of all, I had to work from 8am to 1pm and then run home to pick up all my stuff and head to the airport to catch my flight. Luckily, my flight was delayed 20min. So I made it on time.

I am now writing from the hotel room at Washington D.C. and I am utterly EXHAUSTED.

Favorite things so far:

- The massive amount of people walking on the streets

- Easy transportation system

- Variety of restaurants

Least favorite things so far:

- There are far too many maintenance-work done on the metro wagons.

- Massive delay on each of the metro stations

- The ride from the airport to Alexandria, VA is not very pleasant, traffic wise.

Random thoughts:

- Chinatown is actually not that big of a Chinatown

- Every single person in Washington D.C. is extremely nice and awesome.

- there is an increased amount of gay people compared to Jacksonville, especially gay men.

What made my day:

- A 50-years-old random woman that looked just like my aunt, approached us at the dinning table at the Chinese restaurant we were eating at, and asked us SEVERAL times (more than 5 times to be precise) to join her and her date to take 'Sake-bombs'. After refusing her offer several times, she decided to come and seat at our table and talk about how awesome Venezuelan people are. I adored her. She definitely made my day! and night of course!

It's been a long busy day. Full of work, plane rides, long walking, and meeting new people. I am now off to my beauty sleep.

Pics of my day to follow.

Lova ya!

Mini Road Trip

Alright! Tomorrow at 3:20pm my little road trip begins! I'm flying to Washington D.C. this weekend to go see Barcelona play against Manchester and plan on doing some sightseeing at the big capital as well. Then, I'm scheduled to come back down to Jacksonville on Monday at 8pm, to then flight again on Tuesday at 6am to the BIG APPLE! NYC!

This all started back in May when I decided to do something spontaneous and bought myself a ticket to go see Barca play. Turns out that just two days away from my flight to Washington, I get an e-mail saying I had won the Christina Perri contest to go to her concert in NYC! I knew I had signed up for the contest but come'on! I never win anything! well, this time I did... and I did it good! I won two plane tickets to NYC, $1000 gift card to FCUK, hotel reservation at a Manhattan Hotel, and two VIP tickets for Christina Perri concert and wait for it... a "meet and greet" with her!!! I'm stoked, flabbergasted, amazed, and any other happy adjective you could imagine.

Right back to where I was before, this mini road trip that consist of: Jacksonville-Washington D.C. - Jacksonville - NYC - Jacksonville will begin tomorrow afternoon. I'll do my best to post at least my thoughts of the day, for the next four days. Now I'm off to sleep.

HAPPY DREAMS! AND HAPPY WEEKEND TO ALL!

The day

I don't even know what I will write on this.

I don't have anything planned or prepared for this.

I just know that I wanted to write down some of my feelings at this moment.

I have so many feelings right now that I don't even know how to express them

First of all, la Vinotinto lost tonight. Not fairly but they lost.

Also, today was a HUGE deal for me and my past, present, and future

Today I decided to come clean to my friends

I told them the truth and I let it all out, no lies or anything tonight.

Their response? all positive. which it scares me a little

No body wants to lose a friend after being honest about such an important aspect of your life.

But I still feel a little vulnerable and hesitant about the future and what's to come.

Sometimes I wish my life would have gone a little different before. I which I could been a little stronger in the past and fought for my beliefs and that way now I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. But I guess not everything goes the way you planned. Life is perky that way.

I know what my past meant, and I know where I stand in the present. But I have no fucking idea where I lay in the future. No one knows, but at least they have goals and dreams. whereas right now I just don't know.

I am waiting for the moment to feel my life complete again. I am waiting for that someone to take me away. I am waiting for my future to come and rescue me. Until then, I lay here in bed thinking about my self.

Carta (Español)

He encontrado una carta. Una carta del 2009 dedicada a una persona previamente especial en mi vida. Una carta de 2400 palabras.

Esta carta contiene palabras que cada una de ellas fueron estudiadas, analizadas y cuidadosamente escritas. contiene historia sobre mi mayor aconteciemiento. contiene narraciones sobre situaciones nunca habladas.

Esta carta tiene tono de niña reganada por su mama despues de haber hecho una maldad. Tiene un tono de arrepentimiento tan profundo que sin darme cuenta mis ojos comienza aguarse.

Lo mas curioso de esta carta es lo diferente que sueno a mi presente. Lo mas importante de esta carta es mi confesion hacia una persona que no se lo merecia. y lo mas humillador de esta carta es mi entrega total hacia un falso futuro.

Esta carta esta llena de ideas que ya no existen en mi. Llena de sentimientos que son extrajeros en mi mundo. Llena de pensamientos erronios hacia el tema principal. Simplemente esta llena de incoherencias.

La idea principal no es falsa, la confesion es verdadera y el aconteciemiento si sucedio. solo es falso mi arrepentimiento, mi tono de condenar mi confesion es mentira, y mi declaracion de superarlo nunca sucedio.

El tono de esta carta me ha traido pena y verguenza por mi pasado. Mas sin embargo, esta carta me ha recordado el nunca sentir arrepentimiento y me ha traido fuerzas para siempre continuar.

Esta carta nunca fue enviada.

My Rant Towards Affection

I hate affection.

I hate its components.

I hate that is a gesture that can seem like love but is not.

It is just a fake gesture of sympathy for a moment and then it leaves as fast as it came. It leaves and it might never comes back. Don't ever expect affection to come for you. The more you expect it the less it shows up.

Affection is problematic for those romantics at heart.

Affection is wrong for the dreamers and wishers of love.

Affection only brings pain.

Affection eventually leads to solitude.

I hate affection.

Old Lyrics Present Pain

I feel like the world is getting smaller

I'm the one who is getting bigger

I feel like there is no air

although I can't feel it I know is there

you were my friend

my ordinary and simplistic friend

you were never there for me

and I always cared

Now I say goodbye to you

and get ready for a whole new day

until the pain goes away...

These are the lyrics I wrote for a song when I was about 19yrs old. Funny how back then it was targeted at a different person, and today I still feel like those words are carved in my heart, but now is focused at someone else.

It's been years since I stopped having feeling towards the person I originally wrote this for. I no longer think about them or really care for them. Today is someone else that is making me feel like life is crap, and we live all our lives to be crapped on.

I wish I wouldn't feel this way, but my heart can't help it. I know that it takes time to move on and forget about that someone. But I know deep in my heart I will always care for this current person that my heart belongs to. I know that he will always have a piece of me, even though he will never ever carry it with him.

How do I always get to this point? why is it me that falls so hard for the one person that will not ever fall for me? worse, I always fall for the people that care for me so much but will never love me. That is worse. Because they will always show you affection, compassion, and will offer their shoulder if you need it. But they will never have the patience to be with you for the rest of their lives, or will never give you all the love that you need from them, because they will never feel love towards you. They will just feel affection.

Intentionally Different

All my life I've been a big mess. I've always been different. always. As back as I can remember I always wanted to get everybody's attention by acting differently and doing unusual things. On my first day of school on second grade I remember sitting down at my desk and all the books and pencils I had with me on the desk fell on the ground. Everyone was laughing at the noise I made and at my clumsiness. From there on, I was always seen as the joker or the funny girl. Then, when I was about 10 years old, I once asked my mom if abnormal was a nice compliment. She asked why? and I remember telling her because everyone at school called me that. At the time I was thinking it meant to be super normal and cool.

As I would grow up, I would become more detached to the stereotypical girl. I disconnected myself from the common societal routine, and started to create my own little world filled with complexed ideas. By fifth grade I was nominated the weirdest person at my class. I cried, but deep inside me I was smiling, because I was different, and people saw that in me.

I am now a grown woman, but I'm still different. I'm still complexed. I'm still that weird person that many people don't understand. I am proud of it. I am proud to be hard to be with, and difficult to figured out.

I've come to find out many great lessons in life, but the one I would share tonight is:

Difference makes us unique. Unique makes us especial. Especial type of people like us always leave a mark wherever they walk. We make history. therefore, we were all born to be an unique type of person.

New Hobby

I bought my first DSLR camera this past Thursday online and it arrived yesterday. It is the Canon Rebel T1i or the 500D (in the U.K) with a 18 - 55mm lens. The transcend 8GB SDHC class 6 memory card I bought for it, has not arrive yet. Therefore, I'm unable to start taking pictures away, so I'll stick to the reading, and studying the manuals and watching tutorial videos online for now.

I've only seen a couple of videos online about basic stuff. Like how to insert the lens, install the battery and so forth. I've also watched a video explaining all the basic functions of the camera and what each function on the mode dial is for. I've yet to know how to use each one of those functions to its max, but I'm sure I'll get to know my camera to its full extent eventually.

I'm off now to go and read the whole manual and be prepare for when my memory card arrives to start taking my first shots with my new acquisition.

I will post some picture and thoughts I might have of my new picture taking experience as I learn. Hopefully I'll get to see my progress and you guys can give me improvement tips as well.

Till next post!!

Decisions

The time to make a monumental decision in my life has arrived. This is when I should decide whether to think with my head or just let my heart guide me. I am unsure on what to do, how to act, and what to decide.

My choices are:

Three months in foreign soil, discovering the world, tasting different cultures, and recognizing and admiring others perspectives to life.

OR

Set ground once and for all, and buy my own place. Stop with all the wondering, all the dreams, and wilderness. This will signify the start of my own grown up life. While my own place will give me liberty, it will make me prisoner of the status quo. My own flat will give me the taste of maturity and responsibility to a greater level; but at what cost? Will it deprive me of experiencing an unique type of life at 23 years old. It will take away the feeling of total independence from this first world system that I've grown tired of.

Although it may seem like subconsciously I've made a decision in my head to live in foreign soil for three months of my life, I still have my doubts. I am unsure whether this decision will just leave me broke after sucking every single penny out of my bank account and slow down my search for a decent job in life. On the other hand, it might help me grow older, it might provide me with the sufficient tools to defend my idea of an unified world. The ability to love every society, culture and system, care for every single human being, and help those in need.

To go or not to go? That is the question.... or something like that.

Nacasoca

Unexpectedly Nostalgic

It is 5:30am on a Sunday. It's getting warm outside and the need for a jacket is no longer necessary.

While watching a movie tonight, I heard some people screaming. I turned my TV off and indeed some couple were screaming their lungs out. They were arguing right outside my window. Yelling and making no sense. From what I could gathered, the reason they were arguing was because she had done something wrong at some party and he did not want to listen her out, so she keep on yelling at him, trying to explain why she had done what she did, but he wouldn't listen. He would just yell back at her to get inside his car, because she was waking all the neighbors up. At first, I found the whole situation funny. Until it stroked me. I had lived that same quarrel at some point in my life. It hit me hard. I no longer found it funny to be listening to them. I found myself thinking back at that similar moment I had had, and all the feelings came back rushing, and now I was sick to my stomach, again.

It's interesting how human beings can go on with their lives everyday while blocking unwanted memories from the past. How we can go day by day and not think or remember an embarrassing moment, or some shameful situation we have been in. How we learn to push all those memories to the back of our head and even believe that we are able to forget them at one point. But then one day, one good day, when you least expect it, BAM! it all comes back to you. Haunting you. Tormenting you, again.

These are the moments when I wish 'Lacuna, INC.' would exist in real life. No need to say more.

shamefully

what a fool I have made of myself

what a shame tonight I am of my pride

for I belong to someone that deserves

everything but the tears I cry tonight

I do not regret the past that we shared

I regret how dependent of your emotions I am

the response of your approval which I crave

the need to feel how much you desire of me

depression is too much, to keep on taking for so long

I am exahusted of my shameful feelings over you

I am disappointed of my willingness to forgive you

tonight I do not want to revive this love

would there ever be a day to find someone else?

would there ever be a time to enjoy a night?

would there ever be an occasion to believe in my expectations?

hopefully there is and you would be there with me.

to share this poem and we can both be who we want to be. not shamefully.