My Rant Towards Affection

I hate affection.

I hate its components.

I hate that is a gesture that can seem like love but is not.

It is just a fake gesture of sympathy for a moment and then it leaves as fast as it came. It leaves and it might never comes back. Don't ever expect affection to come for you. The more you expect it the less it shows up.

Affection is problematic for those romantics at heart.

Affection is wrong for the dreamers and wishers of love.

Affection only brings pain.

Affection eventually leads to solitude.

I hate affection.

Old Lyrics Present Pain

I feel like the world is getting smaller

I'm the one who is getting bigger

I feel like there is no air

although I can't feel it I know is there

you were my friend

my ordinary and simplistic friend

you were never there for me

and I always cared

Now I say goodbye to you

and get ready for a whole new day

until the pain goes away...

These are the lyrics I wrote for a song when I was about 19yrs old. Funny how back then it was targeted at a different person, and today I still feel like those words are carved in my heart, but now is focused at someone else.

It's been years since I stopped having feeling towards the person I originally wrote this for. I no longer think about them or really care for them. Today is someone else that is making me feel like life is crap, and we live all our lives to be crapped on.

I wish I wouldn't feel this way, but my heart can't help it. I know that it takes time to move on and forget about that someone. But I know deep in my heart I will always care for this current person that my heart belongs to. I know that he will always have a piece of me, even though he will never ever carry it with him.

How do I always get to this point? why is it me that falls so hard for the one person that will not ever fall for me? worse, I always fall for the people that care for me so much but will never love me. That is worse. Because they will always show you affection, compassion, and will offer their shoulder if you need it. But they will never have the patience to be with you for the rest of their lives, or will never give you all the love that you need from them, because they will never feel love towards you. They will just feel affection.

Intentionally Different

All my life I've been a big mess. I've always been different. always. As back as I can remember I always wanted to get everybody's attention by acting differently and doing unusual things. On my first day of school on second grade I remember sitting down at my desk and all the books and pencils I had with me on the desk fell on the ground. Everyone was laughing at the noise I made and at my clumsiness. From there on, I was always seen as the joker or the funny girl. Then, when I was about 10 years old, I once asked my mom if abnormal was a nice compliment. She asked why? and I remember telling her because everyone at school called me that. At the time I was thinking it meant to be super normal and cool.

As I would grow up, I would become more detached to the stereotypical girl. I disconnected myself from the common societal routine, and started to create my own little world filled with complexed ideas. By fifth grade I was nominated the weirdest person at my class. I cried, but deep inside me I was smiling, because I was different, and people saw that in me.

I am now a grown woman, but I'm still different. I'm still complexed. I'm still that weird person that many people don't understand. I am proud of it. I am proud to be hard to be with, and difficult to figured out.

I've come to find out many great lessons in life, but the one I would share tonight is:

Difference makes us unique. Unique makes us especial. Especial type of people like us always leave a mark wherever they walk. We make history. therefore, we were all born to be an unique type of person.